Matthew 1

The big Bible study is underway.  I was so excited to participate with Catholic Mutt and the rest of the ladies.  If you want to join...head over to her blog and see if you can still get in on this!  It's gonna be great.

Here's my first offering to the group discussion.  Thought it would make a good blog post too.

I went to a meeting at church this week and the reflection we did at the beginning was on 2 Kings 5:1-14. This is the story of Naaman being cured of leprosy by dipping in the Jordan River seven times at the command of the prophet Elisha. In the story, Naaman almost misses out on receiving his healing. Elisha doesn’t come out of his house to greet Naaman or even to see him at all, instead he sends a message via his servant giving Naaman instructions to go dip in the river. Naaman, at one point says “I thought that for me he would surely come out, and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, and would wave his hand over the spot, and cure the leprosy! Are not…the rivers of Damascus better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?” 

We have such a tendency as humans to want to be shown deference and be recognized for the wonderfully special people we are. Naaman was no different. He had an idea of how he would be healed (saved) from his disease. 

So on to the connection with Matthew Chapter 1... 

Do you think the Israelites, the chosen people of God, had any ideas of how God would send a Messiah? I think they had (and continue to have) very distinct ideas about how the LORD should save them and set them free. I certainly don’t think they expected their salvation to come to them in the form of a tiny baby, born in a stable to a carpenter and his young bride. 

We’ll see more about it in the next chapter, but really I think the Jews were so surprised by this turn of events, they were probably all like, “Ummm, God? Not how that whole Messiah thing is supposed to go down.” They had a preference, an opinion, for sure their own ideas about how God should “save His people from their sins.” 

It is so like God to surprise us; to come to us in a way so unexpected. I really took from this chapter that I need to get out of God’s way, stop telling Him how to help me, stop telling Him how to save me and just accept His plans for my life. Of course, easier said than done.

2012 in the Rearview

As 2012 wound to a close Mr. Amen and I sat down to think about what we had accomplished during the year and make plans for 2013.  Since that sit down lasted approximately 1.26 minutes before someone needed our attention (baby, preschooler, mother or mother-in-law on the phone…not sure who interrupted our peace and quiet, but it was someone) it was a quick review and a non-existent planning session.  I took it upon myself to record my thoughts and memorialize them on ‘ye olde blog.

Our 2012 in review, in no particular order:

We purchased & moved into our home .

We celebrated Christmas in our home!

We had a successful VBAC. Attractive, I know.

We welcomed our baby girl

Baby girl was baptized

We celebrated the end of the tantrumy 3s as our son turned 4!

We taught 2 great sessions of NFP.

Mr. Amen got a new job!

I got a promotion!

We successfully managed Junior's allergies and had no allergy-related hospitalizations

 

We managed to get a decent picture of both kids for our Christmas card.

We are looking forward to many wonderful things in 2013:

• House projects (painting, remodeling, landscaping, etc.)
• A real vacation
• A new job for Mr. Amen (starting today!)
• Implementing an organization strategy for the Amen househol
• Art for God’s Sake at our parish
• Focusing on our family
• And much, much more…

 

37 Things...

The silence has been deafening and enlightening all at the same time.  I pretty much disappeared when I returned to work in October.  I'm sorry to have left all 2 of my loyal readers in the lurch about my shortcomings and goings.  I will try to get better about blogging.

Need the outlet.  Will be good for my sanity. (Repeat)

Around the Amen household, we are all losing our minds a bit.  No, wait, that may just be me :-)

Working full time plus some with a gross daily commute, two kids in daycare, the four year old in activities 2x per week, teaching catechism, husband working & volunteering at church, husband getting a new job that may have him gone 3 weeks/month and me being (finally) promoted at work has got me spinning like a chanukah dreidel.  At least I'm getting back to my Jewish roots.

Speaking of roots, I am thinking about changing my hairstyle dramatically.  Will I do it?  Will I instantly regret it?  Will it give me one more thing to fret about?  Not sure, absolutely and most definitely.

Anyhow, the lovely Ashley Jones gave me an idea recently, and I thought, "Hey, I can do that", so I have done that.  Ashley just celebrated her 26th birthday and for her birthday she made a list of 26 things about herself that we should know.  Well, I just celebrated my 37th birthday and I figured I could make a list of 37 things about myself that are mildly amusing, interesting or none of the above, so here goes:

37

I am tall.  Not freakishly so, but taller than most ladies.

36

I like my freckles...always have, always will.

35

I always think I would like to live on a farm...

34

But I am scared to DEATH of bugs; I don't like dirt; and I dislike going outside.

33

In addition to getting my MBA, I moved to Oklahoma to find a cowboy to marry.

32

I married a Salvadoran instead.  Best decision ever.

31

I cover my ears when I see a bug...because I'm scared (makes perfect sense, no?).

30

I cried once thinking about an ice cream sundae.  In my defense, I was pregnant and diabetic at the time.

29

I don't think it is really dessert unless it is made of chocolate.

28

I enjoy public speaking.  If you think that's sick...just wait, it gets worse.

27

I like to read legal contracts and documents.

26

I like to read laws, rules and regulations even more.

25

I alphabetize all kinds of stuff.  Even when it doesn't make sense.

24

My kids' real first names have the same vowels in the same order.

23

I am allergic to all fish products and alcohol; but if I wasn't, I would still stay away from one of these things and drink the other like I was the thing I would stay away from (not every day...just some (many) days).

22

Despite getting 5 calls a day for Ja'meal, no one named Ja'meal lives at our residence.

21

I once went skydiving because I was angry that my boyfriend went to Paris without me.

20

I can move my eyes independently of one another.

19

The boys in my 5th grade catechism class think I'm pretty cool because I showed them # 20.

18

Sometimes, I let my kid eat Peppermint Patties and popsicles for dinner.

17

I can cuss like a sailor, but feel really badly when I do (mostly in the car at other drivers.)

16

I love to let my niece and nephews be CRAZY loud at my house; I think it irritates my brother, whom I adore. 

15

I make my sister hold my hand in public because it annoys her so much (I adore her too!)

14

I love to watch sad movies.

13

I used to be the equipment manager for my high school's football team.

12

If I could have any other career, I'd choose to be an OB.

11

If I didn't have to have a career at all, I'd love to homeschool my kids.

10

And I would really like to have a dozen of them.

9

I am a Mou.ntain Dew girl through and through.

8

I actually enjoy discussing canon law.

7

I drive my dream car - a minivan.

6

I wear super high heels because I find them more comfortable than tennis shoes.

5

I try to save up my printing at work so I only have to walk to the printer once per day.

4

I wish I could live in an all white house - white walls, white furniture, white dishes, white linens, white carpet.

3

Scratch that, make it all brown.  So you can't see when I spill my chocolate ice cream all over.

2

You probably shouldn't ask me anything when I am at work because the answer will be "NO".

1

I don't like to be touched.  Like ever.  That's probably the hardest part of being a wife and mom is that my husband and kids want to touch me all the time.

So there are 37 things about me that you never wanted to know, but now you do and you can't un-know them.

More later - PEACE OUT!

7 Quick Takes (vol. 7)

Random updates from the Amen household:

(1)

I am going back to work next week.

And I have been crying for a week about it.  I cried when Junior awoke from his nap yesterday and crawled up on my lap for cuddles.  I cried this morning when he threw a tantrum, then crawled up in my lap for cuddles while I was feeding his baby sister.  I cried as I cuddled Celia to sleep last night.  You might think cuddling is the trigger here, but I also cried on our way to the costume store to get Junior's "Idur Man" costume (that's I.ron Man for those of you not familiar with his sometimes wonky pronunciation).


The kids are going to daycare full-time starting Monday even though I'm not back at work until Thursday.  Reason?  A few.  (a) we have to pay for a full week anyhow so they might as well go, (b) it'll give me a three days to go shopping and buy work appropriate clothes (impossible with Junior in tow), (c) I will be able to get a pedicure - goodbye talons, and (d) I might get a chance to get a nap in to rid myself of these pesky sleepless mommy under-eye bags.

(2)

Congratulations are in order!  At my six week post-partum appointment my doctor had me complete the post-partum depression questionnaire.  I passed.

Well, if "passed" means "you're definitely on the spectrum", then I did indeed "passed." 


It also means I get to take Zol.oft like their Ti.c Tacs.  Just kidding.  Not really.  I can' recommend this medication.  It's been three weeks and I don't really feel that it's making any difference.

Fuzzy pic of something that should make me feel like somebody that I used to know

This take might be contributing to the intensity of take #1.

(3)

I'm on an organizing mission this fall.  I started following the FlyLa.dy and decluttering.  It's going slowly (see take #1 above), but it is helpful that she recommends working in 15 minute increments.  I find I can actually do things for 15 minutes at a time.  And, let's be honest, with the two needlets running around (or sitting like a bump on a log in one adorable little girl's case), that's the maximum amount of time I have available to do anything.

I think the system is actually making a difference for me by giving me something to focus on.  It also recommends getting dressed to lace-up shoes every morning - when I do that, my days do go better.

Mr. Amen isn't totally on board yet.  He still wants to work on organizing, but he thinks that I think that he thinks the 15 minutes at a time idea is crazy.  He wants to focus on things for longer stretches of time...but that's insanity - we don't have that luxury.

(4)

A sample weekly schedule once I return to work illustrating that, at most, we can only find 15 minutes at a time to do anything:

Monday:  Both he and I must awaken by 5am to get everyone out the door on-time between 7:00-7:15am.  After drop offs, head to work (him: 7:30 arrival, me: 8am arrival).  Work all stinkin' day.  Leave work (me: 5:00-5:30pm, him:  5:30-6:00pm).  Pick up mini-us from daycare.  Run in the door long enough to change Junior into gymnastics clothes, pick up his snack & juice and pile back into the car by 6:20pm to leave for gymnastics.  One parent at squirrel herding gymnastics class with Junior from 6:45pm-7:30pm, while other parent manages to make a decent edible semi-dinner whilst (favorite word) managing the care of the infant (read:  if Mr. Amen is the @ home parent, we'll have cereal or scrambled eggs, if I am the @ home parent, we'll have pancakes or grilled cheese and tomato soup).  Family dinner at 8:00pm.  Bedtime routine starts for the short Amens at 8:30pm.  Start dishwasher (if it has actually been loaded right after baths finish).  Boy bathed and in bed (for the first time) and girl bathed and ready for final feeding by 9pm.  Parents work feverishly to finish dishes, laundry, bill paying, cleaning and prepping for the Tuesday's launch before collapsing somewhere in the general vicinity of 11pm.  Except for when Mr. Amen has KofC, then I'm on my own with the terrific twosome and no one, and I mean no one will have a decent dinner.  I promise.

Tuesday:  Same as Monday, except instead of gymnastics at 6:45pm, I teach 5th grade boys catechism at 6:45pm.  Mr. Amen enjoys an evening of sticky hands and the sweet smell of spit-up.

Wednesday:  Same as Monday and Tuesday, except instead of gymnastics or catechism, it's swim lessons.  At 6:30pm.  And we're tired exhausted zombies.

Thursday:  Eh, nevermind...I don't think we are gonna make it that far into the week.

(5)

Back in take #1 I mentioned the kids returning to daycare and reason (a) for them starting on Monday was that we were paying for the full week anyhow...so off they go.  Does it sound mean to anyone but me that if I'm paying, I want the daycare ladies to do something for that money?  The weekly cost for daycare, with a 10% family discount, is going to be $421.20.  That doesn't include the enrichment classes we put Junior in so he has something to break up his day and squeeze in a little extra learnin'.

Oh yeah, approximately $24,000 per year for childcare.  Should just enroll them in the local university.  It would be cheaper.

(6)

Anyone besides us enjoy Form.ula 1 racing?  Mr. Amen is 5 weeks away from going to his first race.  Austin, TX is hosting a race the weekend before Thanksgiving and Mr. Amen will be in attendance.  He and his good friend have been planning this trip for a year.  They are even going to an Ae.rosmith concert while there.  Am I jealous?  No.  Yes.  No.  No.  Maybe.  But only of the sleep he will be getting without the kickboxing champion with whom we share a bed.

(7)

I know we're a mere 2+ months away from Christmas, but I'll give you a sneak peak at my Christmas list.  

If for no other reason than to get the telescope out of the dining room:

That's right...a dining room table with chairs would be amazing.

 

Or, a sofa/sectional for the family room

A dresser for me?  Thamks, you shouldn't have.

See above for the lovely dresser my husband assembled...realizing as he attempted to insert the bottom drawer that he had put one of the first pieces together upside down and the drawer wouldn't fit in the hole.  So, no drawer for me...for 3 years now, no drawer for me.

Now go visit Jen for more QuickTakes and make some new friends

Quick Takes (vol. 6)

This version of Quick Takes is dedicated to the things Junior has said recently that made me smile.  Speaking of smiles...look who is intentionally smiling these days:

My child has a dimple!

(1)

While listening to "Enter S.and.man" by Meta.llica one evening, instead of "we're off to never, neverland", Junior sang, "I'm off to buy a rubberband."  I guess all that metal music I treated him to in utero didn't take.  Sad face!

Yes, I know that song is not exactly child friendly, but we were looking for songs with strong drumlines to encourage Junior in his drum practice.

Celia sleeps through the daily pounding practices and concerts.  Lucky girl!

The day he got his drum set...he's much better now.

(2)

After slamming his head on the recliner in the family room while we were rough-housing, I apologized for getting him too close to the chair and said, "I feel terrible."  While holding a bag of frozen green beans to his forehead, he responded, "me too!"

Healing in process

(3)

As Celia slept in my arms after polishing off her 3rd 4 ounce bottle of the day before noon (she's a little piggy!), he climbed up next to me and sat on the arm of the recliner.  He looked sweetly at her, leaned in really close to her face as if he was going to kiss her, and shouted, "BABY SISTER, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP, YOU JUST HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP!"  His logic is unassailable.  We are frequently treated to such preschool logic as, "if you fall off your chair, you have to just fall off your chair", or "if you drink all your water, then all your water is gone."

(4)

While taking his pajama shirt off, it got stuck around the top of his giant Belgian head.  He let it dangle down, looked at himself in the mirror and started dancing & singing "Happy Birthday to Junior."  Strange child.

(5)

As he gazed as his adorable baby sister lying on the floor..."Hello, precious!"  Then he promptly looked at me and said, "Hey, how do we get her cradles off?"  Yes, Celia has cradle "crap", as misprnounced by her big brother.  And all her hair on top is falling out :-(  That's OK.  Same thing happened with Junior, his hair grew in thick and waterproof (like a duck) in no time.

(6)

"Mom, when I talked to Jesus, I ate all my food.  Maybe I need to be locked in."  Huh?  Exactly.  We were driving past our church so that's where the Jesus part came from.  We had eaten food that day and would eat again in a few hours (truly, I have no idea) so that's where the food part came from.  The locked in part came from last year during Lent when he got locked in the Narthex after Stations of the Cross because he wasn't listening.  We walked out assuming he'd follow us, and he did, only he couldn't open the door because he wasn't strong enough, and it was locked so we couldn't open it from the outside either.  When we finally got him out, he said, "Jesus locked me in to talk to me because I wasn't listening?"  If only.

(7)

 Junior:  "Momma, are we going to church today?"
Me:  "Yes"
Junior:  "YAY!" while clapping and jumping up and down.

Does it get better than that?

Ignore the "pierced side", we had chocolate ice cream for lunch and it mostly melted all over him.

Now go check out Jen at Conversion Diary for more Quick Takes from much more talented and interesting bloggers :-)

Thanks for the Mammaries...

"I think she wants mama's milk," Junior said to me.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!"  I screamed in pain as my daugther latched on to my breast.  My three year old jumped up from his seat, a horrified look on his face.  "Are you crying mommy?"

This was the scene in our family room the last time I nursed my baby.

I have studied the Theo.logy of the Body.  I know that God gave me these fine mammaries with which I can feed my children.  I didn't nurse Junior, save a few painful episodes, rather I pumped for a month, got barely enough daily for one bottle, then he was exclusively formula fed.  My reasons for not nursing him were many; he didn't latch well, I had a difficult recovery after my c-section, and I was stressed more than normal, which caused my milk supply to dwindle hopelessly into oblivion.

During this most recent pregnancy, I concentrated on getting psyched up for two things...1) a vaginal birth, and 2) breastfeeding.  The VBAC was a success and was relatively easy for me to accomplish.  Breastfeeding was my next hurdle.  I reviewed materials I had received during the breastfeeding class I took when I was pregnant with Junior, I did some reading on-line to review holds and what to expect.  I took some great advice from some lovely bloggers, Justine and Jenelle, both of whom are amazing mothers who have successfully nursed their children.

I didn't even get bottles out at home to force myself to breastfeed and not give up out of convenience.  I only supplemented with formula in the hospital at the insistence of the doctors because of a diabetes medicine I had been taking which causes the baby to have low blood sugar.  I still put her to the breast before giving her about 15cc of formula one drop at a time from a cup.  She was born on Thursday evening and my milk came in Sunday.  Despite having bleeding nipples and being in excruciating pain and having managed to feed the baby about 12 times on Sunday, I had developed a painful mastitis by Monday morning.  I went in to see the doctor right away and was put on antibiotics and told to nurse through it, do massage and use warm compresses to alleviate the pressure and pain in the blocked duct.  It was a physically, mentally and emotionally draining experience.

I nursed through it.  I finished my course of antibiotics.  When Celia was about 10 days old, it finally got a little better.  I thought we were finally beginning to hit our stride and I would be able to do this.  Although it was getting better, Celia was wanting to nurse every hour and a half.  This meant that I would spend about an hour nursing her, get a break for about half an hour, then she would be screaming again for more.  I would literally pray that she would stay asleep so I wouldn't have to hold her (my breasts and nipples were really sore) and that I wouldn't have to feed her again so soon.  I cried during each feeding because of the pain.  I felt like the worst mother ever for wanting to quit nursing, for not wanting to hold my baby, for dreading her cries.  I felt like we weren't bonding because of the pain I was experiencing.


Although I drank over 100 oz of water each day, drank the herbal Moth.er's Milk T.ea, tried my best to eat a decent diet, my supply started dwindling again.  I added pumpings in-between nursing sessions (wasn't getting much).  I continued to nurse the baby 10-12 times per day.  When she cried after each session, turning purple from the intensity of her screams, I gave in and gave her a bottle.  She sucked down 2-3 ounces quickly and was finally satisfied.  She didn't seem to be getting enough at the breast. 

I am completely on board with the self-donative style of parenting (sometimes confused with attachment parenting).  The core of the self-donative parenting philosophy is that I (and my husband) should be willing to give up my wants in order to fulfill my children's needs.  I am committed to this type of parenting.

I struggled, thinking I was being selfish for not wanting to continue nursing.  I know breast milk is the best food for my baby, I also knew that we were not bonding.  I was an emotional wreck, crying and sobbing through each feeding.  My mental health was suffering.  Was I not willing to give up my wants (wanting to be relatively pain-free) to do what my baby needed?  The guilt was overwhelming and flooded my entire being.  I cried out to God to help me get through it; I prayed that I wouldn't be in pain, that I wouldn't be selfish, that I would be strong enough to be the mother my child needed me to be.

Finally, on her one month birthday, she latched on and I screamed in pain and the tears started to flow.  I wasn't able to be the mother she needed while I was breastfeeding.  The pain, stress and worry was causing me not to produce the milk needed to nourish her physically; the pain was causing me to distance myself from her emotionally, resent her legitimate needs and not be there to nourish her emotionally.  I knew what I had to do.  I was finally able to admit that I wasn't being selfish, I wasn't putting my "wants" ahead of her needs. Stable mental and emotional health are essential to my well-being.  They are essential to me being the mother she needs; one that wants to hold and cuddle her, one that doesn't cry at the sound of her cries, one that wants to be with her rather than chase the setting sun to escape.

In the end, we went cold-turkey to formula.  It wasn't easy.  Though I wasn't producing much milk, I still became engorged and went through almost a week of pain as my body realized it could stop producing all together.  I cried at her 1-month pediatrician appointment out of guilt when I admitted we had stopped breastfeeding.  Celia is much more content and is finally gaining weight (almost in 0-3 month size clothes!).  At last, I am able to hold her without being in pain.  I can even hold my big boy again (helpful during his incredible 3 year old tantrums).  She is still up at night and doesn't go more than 3 hours without eating, so I am not getting more sleep than I was before the switch.  Best of all, we are bonding!

In the end, I had to do this for my own mental health and the emotional health of my family.  To those moms that can breastfeed...I have a healthy envy for you.  I wish I could do what you do and I tried, but I can't.  My self-donative parenting is looking a little different than I planned and hoped, but I am still committed to this lifestyle and am just going to keep going one step at a time and making decisions that are right for me and my family.

Grief Amidst the Joy

The grief of losing some of my children overwhelmed me at the birth of my daughter.

As I sat in the hospital the first morning after Celia was born, I checked the Nat.ional Cath.olic Regi.ster blog round-up and found a review for a book I'd been looking forward to.  It's a book on miscarriage from a Catholic perspective.  It was a very bad idea for me to read that review right after giving birth.  It was still dark out, I had just nursed her (ouch!) and it was raining.

I thought about our children that aren't here so that Celia can be.  I cried and cried.  I said a prayer to each of our little ones asking them to pray for us, thanking them and God for letting me be their momma.  I miss my children every day, I am grateful for the gift of Celia to our family.

It's such a paradox to miss them so much and wish that each and every one of them was here with us, yet knowing that if they were, this sweet child I get to hold in my arms today wouldn't be here at all.

Our son, José, would have been about 13 months old had he lived to be born in this world.  We would probably not have been trying to get pregnant and Celia wouldn't have been born had he stayed here on Earth with us.

Our daughter, María, would have been about 6 months old when Celia was born.  Our other daughter, Sophie would have been about 3 months old when Celia was born.

I don't know why the Lord sent us these children that would not live with us here.  Whatever their purpose in their brief lives, I feel certain that they accomplished what the Lord asked of them before they returned to Him.  Though their lives were short and lived entirely within my womb, they were no less meaningful than any other. 

These children of mine have firmed my resolve to do my best here on Earth, so that I can hear the words, "well done my good and faithful servant" at the end of my life and join them in eternity with Christ.  I will do the best I can to help my husband and my other living children make it to heaven so our family can all be together.