Bump in the Road (Part 1)

On November 18, 2019 I took this picture:

I was at the hospital for my annual mammogram. #over40perks

I remember thinking I would post it on Facebook with a reminder to my lady friends to do their self breast exams and get their annual mammogram. I know many women put them off, though I had never found them painful or uncomfortable, I know that fear is a very real deterrent for plenty of women.

I ended up not posting it. I either forgot entirely or I got self-conscious. It certainly isn’t the most flattering photo I’ve ever taken. 😂

On December 5th, I received an email from the hospital to check my online portal. Something I NEVER do. But something made me check it that day. There was a letter saying they wanted me to come in for “additional images.” No big deal. I’ve been called back before for “additional images” so I wasn’t at all alarmed. I simply called and made another appointment. They set me up for December 23rd (Monday). They didn’t seem in much of a rush to get me in. Then the hospital called to schedule the additional images, but I had already done that. Then my OB/GYN's office called to tell me to call the hospital to schedule additional images, and I told them I had already done so. All those weird calls made me check the online portal to read the radiology report and see why they wanted these “additional images.”

I opened the report and scanned it. The phrase “spiculated margins” stood out. I had no idea what that meant, so I googled it.

Do NOT google it.

Do NOT EVER google it.

The search told me there was a greater than 87% chance of the spot being cancer. I closed google and have not googled anything related to medical stuff since.

I tried to put it out of my mind. I went about the rest of December doing all the things we do in December I stayed busy with the kids and their activities; I decorated and prepared for Christmas. I baked.

Monday, December 23rd (Festivus) arrived and I went to the hospital for those "additional views" bright and early at 8:30am. They were already behind so it took ages before I was called back. I snapped a picture and sent it to my anxious husband at home telling him I was still waiting for my turn. How do you like my purple dollar store reading glasses?

I had a mammogram with multiple views, then an ultrasound, then another mammogram. They said I would have results before I left, so I sat back in the holding area to wait. The nurse came to get me and took me to a small conference room. She sat me down and said I needed to have biopsies on Friday, December 27th. Because of where the 2 suspicious masses were located they would have to do two different types of biopsies. One would be ultrasound guided (for the one they could see on ultrasound) and one would be mammogram guided (for the one they couldn't see on ultrasound, but could see with mammogram).

It was Christmas. I have kids. My husband was sick in bed with flu-like symptoms from December 23rd-26th. I had this hanging over my head and tearing at my heart, but needed to push through and make good memories for the kids. I think we ended up having a good holiday - I don't think the kids really knew what was going on. But then again, they did notice me crying occasionally. I was being extra permissive with them.

On December 27th, my mom met me at the hospital for the biopsies at 9am. My husband, since he was still sick, dropped me off and stayed with our kids at home. Besides, they don't let men back in the mammogram radiology area anyhow. We checked in, I got changed and we sat down in the waiting room until they called me back.

Finally it was my turn. The nurse said they would do the mammogram guided biopsy first and she took me into the procedure room. When I saw the table & machine, I broke down sobbing an hyperventilating. It was all of a sudden very real. The reality of getting a biopsy for suspicious masses in my breast hit me hard.

The nurse offered to talk to the doctor and see if they could try to biopsy both areas using the ultrasound guided method since one of their best ultrasound technicians was there that day. The doctor agreed to try it and the ultrasound technician came to get me.

She was a young woman, probably in her 20s and her name was Agatha. As in St. Agatha, patron saint of breast cancer patients. She was as good as they said she was and the doctor was able to get the biopsies from both spots.

Results would take 3-5 days.

My doctor's office called to make an appointment with me for 8am on December 31st to get the results. On December 31st, at 7:40am, my doctor's office called to move my appointment to January 2nd since results weren't available yet.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I would have to wait over New Year's to get the results?! I knew they wouldn't release them in my online portal until after I spoke with my doctor, so checking for the results there was pointless. Not that it stopped me from checking relentlessly.

Later in the day on December 31st, I noticed that the results in the online portal changed from "in progress" to a couple specific hormone receptor tests. I'm not a doctor and I'm not in the medical field, but I know that they don't run hormone receptor tests on healthy tissue. So on December 31, 2019, I realized what I would hear from my doctor on January 2nd, though it didn't really sink in and I couldn't bring myself to tell my husband or family.

That night, I went to a New Year's Eve Party at our Parish with my parents and my girls. My husband stayed home with our son who was ill. Here's me trying to pretend I didn't know what I knew:

On January 2nd, 2020 my husband and I went to my OB/GYN's office at 8am for the results.

She said she was sorry, it was cancer.

She said I had done everything right by going for my mammograms every single year.

She said they had caught it early.

She said I would be fine.

She said this would be a bump in the road.

 

Keep Reading Part 2, Part 3

Where Travel Soccer Takes Over Our Lives: Fall Season

I mentioned that our son had tried out for and made a travel soccer team. Well, we looked forward all-summer to the season kicking off with a week long soccer camp. Camp did not disappoint.

The price of camp was included in our club fees. Junior went Monday-Friday from 9am-11:30am. He got to work with coaches from his local club and coaches from the main International Academy that came over from England for the week.

Camp was awesome! It was a great way for him to get to know some of the kids from the new club, though he didn't work only with kids from his own team. It was a great introduction to the Club's philosophy and coaching style. They made it such fun that I don't even think Junior realized he was learning anything at all.

As an aside: I was extremely concerned about the cleanliness of the facility. Each day my son was covered in what seemed to be a fine, black powder, sweat dripping down his face. Each night I was using copious amounts of OxyC.lean to get the black powder mixed with sweat out of his white (why, in the name of all that is holy, did they choose WHITE?!?!) training jersey. Because in travel soccer the kids wear uniforms to trainings & games. My girls were filthy by the end of practice as well from playing on the bleachers. I was told they deep clean the facility top to bottom once a month, but I have not seen any evidence of such a cleaning ever taking place except for once in a while it seems extra humid in there. It's so gross.

Practices started the next week (end of August) twice a week on Mondays & Wednesdays from 6-7:30pm. We had our first tournament on the weekend after the first week of practice. It was an absolute disaster. The boys played really badly; it was embarrassing...but we were assured that it is like this every year. This first tournament is always terrible.

A couple weekends later we had a second tournament. We did much better and if it hadn't been for some atrocious calls by the refs, we would've gone to the finals. The boys, more than likely, would've won since they had beat the team they would've faced in regular season play a couple times.

cleat marks & a huge bruise from getting stomped on by another player

Games averaged 1-2 per weekend. Luckily, though this is a travel league, the farthest away we had to travel was less than an hour. I'm certainly not complaining about the "travel" just yet. Games changed at the last minute with regularity. There was a game a 45 minute drive away from our home at 7am on a Saturday morning; and we needed to arrive 30 minutes early to warm up. I haven't been up that early on purpose in more than 5 years.

Our boys won their division in the Fall league. We were very proud of them, but a little disappointed there wasn't even a trophy or certificate for them. The boys didn't care though, so whatever, less junk collecting dust on his dresser.

Mr. Amen and I in the cheering section

Junior also "played up" several times with older teams and/or more experienced teams. He held his own quite well and even scored goals for those other teams. His own coach sees him as a primarily defensive player, sometimes he is put as a midfielder. Regardless of where he is, his coaches consider him a "wrecking ball" for his ability to break up a play and for the physicality of his play. He's like running into a brick wall. Though he is the youngest player on his team, he is 80 pounds of solid muscle. They've suggested we consider letting him play rugby in a few years as well as soccer.

1 week of camp
19 team training sessions
4 training sessions with private technical coach
17 games

The Good
*Progress, progress, progress in all areas of play
*New friends
*Winning games
*Fun at Tournaments
*Family time spent in the car and at games
*Playing up with older/more experienced teams

The Bad
*Dirty, grimy grossness
*So much laundry (seriously, I went through so much OxyC.lean and had to add a daily reminder to my phone to wash uniforms so I didn't forget before going to bed)
*Last minute game schedule & location changes
*Schedule conflicts with other activities (Friday night prayer group conflicts with Friday night dance classes and Friday night games; Saturday morning work conflicts with gymnastics & Saturday morning games)
*So much money (a monthly payment plan helps, but wow! At least the price we were told was all inclusive except for travel costs & uniform)

The Ugly
*Politics & bickering among the parents/coaches (ummm, I had no idea people could be this intense about 8 & 9yos playing soccer, but well, they are) 
*Divide and conquer (DH & I have to go in different directions more often than we'd like to get everyone everywhere they belong)


The Other
*Soccer experience for our daughter
We let our 5yo play with their mini program since we were already in the building at the same time, so she got some soccer experience. She liked it and was invited to move up to the next level. But ya'll...the cost!!

*Catechism
We were very lucky that our Pastor is also a soccer player because the training schedule conflicted with Catechism. Catechism is only offered at our Parish on Wednesdays from 6:15-7:30pm. We talked with Father about how we could make this work because his RE is very important to us. I can teach him Catechism, but I can't teach him soccer. Father knows we are a committed family, so he allowed us to homeschool Junior for Catechism and if his training schedule changed, we could just start bringing him to class.

*My Hair
I dyed my hair with red peek-a-boo highlights to support our team :-) Over the summer I had dyed purple peek-a-boo highlights for the local semi-pro team we support, so once their season was over and Junior's started up, he wanted to know if I would dye my hair for his team. So I did. It didn't last long; the red faded out much faster than the purple, but he thought it was pretty cool to have his mom's hair match his uniform.

So that was the Fall season of Year 1 of Travel Soccer.

Meatless Friday Ideas: Burgers

Here come meatless Fridays, folks!

I struggled for ages coming up with meatless meals on the Fridays of Lent...but now we eat a mostly vegetarian diet, so I have TONS of ideas.

We are a burger loving people in our house, so here's 5 meatless burger recipes to choose from when you just can't do fish sticks and macaroni and cheese one more time.

Roasted Zucchini & Quinoa Burgers with Garlic Whipped Feta
My tips on these: Make your quinoa ahead of time using veggie broth instead of water (extra flavor!!) Use 1 3/4 - 2cups of panko. If you don't have fresh basil on hand (and I never do) use 1/2 tsp dried basil. Be generous with the salt & pepper.

I form the patties by scooping 1/2 cup of the mixture into a measuring cup and emptying it onto silpat on a baking sheet, pressing it down and shaping it with my hands. Don't skip the fridge chill out session! Bake these in the oven instead of frying them; I do about 15-20 minutes per side at 400°F.

For the Garlic Whipped Feta: use 1 Tbsp fresh dill and 1 tsp lemon juice. Unless you like big lemon flavor and lots of dill...then just use her quantities. I found the dill & lemon to overpower the garlic & feta, and I reallllllllly like the garlic & feta.

So. Delicious. I love them with some raw purple onion and iceberg lettuce (soak the onion slices in ice water for 5 minutes to help take the "bite" out of them).

Smoky Sweet Potato Burgers with Roasted Garlic Cream
My kids loved these! The first time I served these, Miss A was not sure she wanted to eat them. She had recently declared herself a vegetarian (thank you Kindergarten lesson plans personifying turkeys in November) and also that she didn't like vegetables. I explained that this is the kind of food vegetarians eat, so if she was going to be a vegetarian, she'd have to eat this. She did and she loved it!

Epic Crispy Quinoa Burgers
Make the fries to go on top. And the egg. Oh, yes, the egg
                                                                                           gg
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                                                                                             gg
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                                                                                                 ggg.
See that runny yolk pooling on your plate just waiting to be sopped up with this epic burger??!!


Zucchini Parmesan Sliders
Oh my. I can't adequately express how amazing these are. I might have made a second batch after people went to bed just so I could eat more without sharing. Ah, who am I kidding?! I did.

Sloppy Lentils
This one was really easy to throw together on a weeknight. The kids gobbled it up and said these were the best Sloppy Joes I've ever made.  They didn't even notice it wasn't made of meat.

1 1/2 c dried lentils (green)

3 c veggie broth

1 T Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1 sweet onion, chopped

1 can tomato soup (10 3/4 oz)

3/4 c ketchup

1 8oz can tomato sauce

1/4 c dark brown sugar

2 T Worchestershire Sauce

1 1/2 tsp yellow mustard

1/2 tsp garlic powder

Buns

Rinse lentils well under running water (pick our any rocks or deformed lentils). Add lentils & veggie broth to a medium saucepan. Bring to a rapid simmer, then lower heat to a slow simmer (few bubbles, a little bit of movement). Cook uncovered for 20-30 minutes (older lentils take longer to cook). As soon as they are tender, remove from heat and strain. Set aside.

Heat EVOO over medium heat, add onion. Saute until translucent (you can saute them until they begin to turn brown & caramelize a bit if you prefer). Add strained lentils and all remaining ingredients and combine well. Simmer for 10 minutes. Turn off heat and serve on buns!

You can also add grated carrot and/or chopped peppers if you like that sort of thing!

Well, wishing you your BEST LENT EVER! And with these burgers, it will be.

Egg Cups

My Health Coach suggested that I start eating breakfast as a way to jump start my metabolism and (hopefully) lose weight.

I've gotten into a bad habit of not eating breakfast, rarely eating lunch, eating a regular dinner, and having some ice cream before bed (not every day, but many days). I've found that if I eat breakfast, I'm not hungry the rest of the day.

I've been not eating breakfast for more than 25 years, so that's a big change.

Big. HUGE. GIGANTIC.

Our plan was to eat something small, almost like a snack instead of a whole breakfast. She asked what sorts of breakfast foods I like and I answered that I like omelets.

It's not realistic for me to make an omelet for myself every day. Or most days. Or even any days. I just don't have that kind of time in my schedule.

Enter the make ahead Egg Cups. I spent a half an hour making a batch of these (including bake time) after getting home from dropping off my kiddos at school this morning and now I have breakfast for the whole week, except Sunday when I make pancakes.

Egg Cups
Servings: 6
Prep Time: 5-10 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 25-30 minutes

6 large eggs, beaten
2 cups fresh baby spinach, roughly chopped
9 tsp crumbled feta cheese (more or less, depending on your preference)
fresh cracked pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350°F. Spray 6 wells of a muffin tin with non-stick spray. Set aside.

Divide chopped spinach between the 6 prepared muffin wells. Sprinkle 1 1/2 tsp feta cheese over the spinach in each well. Add pepper to taste (I used one turn of my pepper mill in each well). Pour the beaten eggs over the spinach & feta to fill each well, stopping about 1/4" from the top.

Bake in preheated oven for 20 minutes. Remove from oven, use a knife to loosen Egg Cups from the muffin tin. Cool completely on wire rack. Store covered in the refrigerator; heat in the microwave for 30-40 seconds before eating.

Variations: Add some chopped onion or mushrooms. Instead of spinach & feta, try broccoli & cheddar, asparagus & parmesan, bell peppers & ham or choose your own combination.

Travel Soccer

When Junior was finally old enough to start some activities we tried many different things hoping to find one he was passionate about.

We put him in swimming; he liked it.
We put him in gymnastics; he liked it.

Such a tough little man!

We put him in karate; he liked it.

He wanted tackle, but flag would have to do.

We put him in flag football; he liked it.

We put him in soccer; he LOVED it.

Ahhhh, finally! He found his passion.

A local Lutheran church's hosted an Upward Soccer League. The league is designed to reach out to the community through sports and to evangelize the kids & parents. It's a great idea, reminds me of CYO sports in the Catholic Church.

After the first season though, we realized this league was not a good fit for him. He dominated when he played scoring goal after goal and more than one kid was injured when they ran into the brick wall that was Junior on defense. He played a much more aggressive brand of soccer than they wanted and the parents complained loudly that our kid didn't belong. 

Sideline cuties ready to cheer for big brother!

After that we put him in the local recreational league. He had some better coaching in this league and learned a ton. The level of play was up a notch from the Upward league, but still, he dominated the pitch. He played 5 seasons with this league. The boys on his team were mostly from his elementary school and they would "practice" at lunch & recess. Every. Single. Day.

His team did very well, but at times I felt like there was both too much pressure on Junior to perform & carry the team and too much resentment from other players & parents because of his skill level. This past year I started keeping stats on Junior. Last fall he scored 47% of the goals for his team - and he had to sit out 2 games because of a back injury. This past spring, he scored 58% of the goals for his team and missed two games (one for his First Holy Communion, and one when he had the flu). The only games his team lost were when he was not there. Talk about pressure!

Last fall, after a great season and as a reward for an excellent report card we took him to a private soccer coach for a 1-on-1 90-minute session. The coach worked with Junior on technical skills and Junior absolutely loved it. We decided to allow him to work with this particular coach up to twice a month to improve his technical skills and get a little more finesse to his play (it's expensive and we aren't made of money!). We also let him do another "development league" over the summer to keep him active and learning.

In his last game of the Spring season, the opposing parent-coach directed his team to go after Junior during the match. My inner Mama Bear rose up. My kid was shoved, kicked and knocked to the ground repeatedly with no penalties called. Finally, the referee blew his whistle motioning that my son was getting the penalty after he was knocked down in a particularly nasty and on-purpose way. My husband had to physically restrain me from rushing the field. My loud mouth could not be restrained though and the referee corrected his mistake quickly. I told my husband when he let me go that if my child was fouled again, I would be out there and he wouldn't be able to stop me - and we were not coming back to this league again anyhow.

We had been toying with the idea of letting him try out for a club (travel soccer), but this past Spring season cemented that decision. His private coach helped us find a club that would be a good fit for Junior and made contact with the coach for his age group. We had the opportunity to take Junior to train with them for the last few weeks of their season. Finally over Father's Day weekend, Junior tried out for the Club and made one of their teams.

And so begins our adventures with Club Soccer/Travel Soccer.

I'll blog about our experience as we go through this year: the good, the bad, the ups & the downs. I'll tell you everything. I'll give you a blunt perspective of travel soccer; letting you in on the secrets as I learn them. This will be fun (I keep telling myself), eye-opening (and how!), and hopefully helpful to other parents considering making a move to a travel sport for their own child.

A Life Remodeled

After a nearly 2 year silence, I think I'm ready to jump back in here.

I've remodeled my life in the past 2 years!

I have had major overhauls in the following areas:  diet, exercise, prayer life, intellectual pursuits, relationships, hair/makeup, wardrobe, activities, work, habits, schedule.


Diet
We went from a traditional meat & potatoes family to a flexitarian diet. We prefer vegetarian fare, but eat meat without complaint when its offered.

Parmesan Asparagus Orzo

Exercise
 I joined a gym. And I go there to exercise.

Exercise is necessary to work off the Million Dollar Mac & Cheese

Prayer Life
I read A Mother's Rule of Life and took her advice to just schedule it in my day. My entire day is soaked in prayer now and I love it!

Intellectual Pursuits
I've made some time in my days to do some reading & learning about topics that interest me. I'd love to have some time to take a class...but that'll have to wait for now.

Relationships
My DH and I joined Teams of Our Lady. Our Team has 6 couples that meet once a month to share a meal and pray together. It's an awesome time to spend with other Catholic couples who want to strengthen their marriages & Faith. I've worked on setting boundaries in other relationships in my life as well. Difficult, but necessary.

Hair/Makeup
Please don't think I'm being shallow with this one. I promise I'm not; I had just neglected myself for so long, this was actually huge for me. I cut my elbow length hair into a stacked bob with an undercut. Plus, purple peek-a-boo highlights. And I started using makeup regularly after a makeover at Seph.ora. So much confidence!

Broccoli Cheddar Soup in a homemade Bread Bowl

Wardrobe
This maybe doesn't count as a "remodel" but it should count as something. I finally admitted that I have (weird) preferences about my clothes and I have just decided to be upfront about those preferences and go with it. I only wear black shirts, so sue me.

Roasted Zucchini & Quinoa Burger with Garlic Whipped Feta Sauce

Activities
Oy vey! The activities:  travel soccer, recreational soccer, ballet, hip hop, gymnastics, swim, preschool, work meetings, NFP classes, parish volunteer time, catechism. Sweet, bouncing baby Moses, so many activities. Mostly kids stuff, but some of my own.

Vegetarian "Meat"loaf

Work
I got a part-time job. It's been fun, challenging, and crazy.

Habits
I have developed some good ones (routines) and ditched some bad ones (Coc.a-Co.la and daily ice cream).

But I'll never give up this Italian Spinach Orzo Soup

Schedule
I'm not a morning person. I never have been, I'm probably never going to be. I have embraced it and made a schedule for myself that works and takes my night-owl personality into consideration. Goodbye wasted time, and time wasted wishing I could make someone else's schedule fit in my body.

So I'm living a remodeled life and loving it.

Inside Out

I disappeared from this space rather abruptly. I thought I'd turn myself a inside out for a few moments to explain myself.

I said awhile ago that I wanted to be more authentic. To let people really meet me. So here I am. This is me being unbelievably vulnerable. This is me sharing thoughts I have never spoken aloud.

A friend posted this on Facebook:

All I could think was, "that's me."

"It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb." [sic]

Here are a few of the things I worry about:

If I died, who would know how to make my kids' sandwiches the "right" way? No one will take the time to put the peanut butter on both pieces of bread before putting the jelly on top of the peanut butter so the jelly won't soak into the bread and make it soggy. No one will know not to cut Junior's sandwich, to cut Alice's into triangles and to cut Lizzie's into 6 rectangles. No one will cut the sandwich by pressing the knife into the bread to make clean edges instead of sawing at it making crumby edges.

Who will wrap my husband's sandwiches in wax paper and fold them up like a present? If they put his sandwich in a baggie, will they know to wrap it in a paper towel first? That's how he likes it.

Yet, I wait until the last moment to make lunches...usually close to midnight when I am too tired to take my time. 

Who will wipe the peanut butter, cream cheese or other sticky substance from the knives before loading them in the dishwasher if I am not here? My family will be eating with dirty, food encrusted knives.

My son will surely die of anaphylaxis from exposure to his allergen if I do not frantically check every label on every ingredient multiple times each time I buy it, each time we eat out, each time someone offers him food away from home. Too many adults don't take food allergies seriously or don't understand them and my son is in constant danger.

I worry about my husband not being able to manage the house & kids in my absence should I ever be absent...while dreaming of being absent just to watch him squirm a bit and really experience & appreciate everything I do.

But I have to do so many household things, I give up before I even start...because who really cares anyhow? No one will notice if the toilets go one more day (or week) without being cleaned. No one will notice that I spot cleaned the kitchen floor instead of giving it a proper mopping. I might as well leave the crayon on the wall since they're probably going to draw on that other wall with a pencil while I'm focused on cleaning the crayon anyhow.

What if I die and my husband forgets to do spelling homework with Junior on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and forgets to fill out and sign the form and send it back on Fridays? And he forgets to have him color his "I can read 100 books" thingy? Or he doesn't check his math homework and have him fix the mistakes? Or he forgets to pack him a lunch or give him bagel money on Fridays? Or no one shows up on the days we signed up to be the secret reader in Junior's class because I wasn't there to pick out a book and remind the person to show up?

So I forget to have him color his 100 books thingy and end up doing it myself.

I have so many things to get done, so many things asked of me and I get them all done. And everyone loves the work I've done and the end product is great, but it isn't up to my standards. I know what I am capable of and it is both more and better than what I have done. I know I could do better, but I can't seem to drag myself out of the fog to do it.

I have days, weeks and sometimes months of good days. Clarity. Foglessness. Days of productivity. Days where the worries vanish like M&Ms left out in a candy bowl in a room full of kids.

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.
In green pastures he makes me lie down;

to still waters he leads me; he restores my soul.

He guides me along right paths for the sake of his name.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff comfort me.

                           - Psalms 23: 1-4

This are what my "valley of the shadow of death" looks like. This is my comfort. I will make it through. I will walk through the valley. God is with me as I walk and I do not journey alone. I remember that there is a shadow because a great light stands behind that which I fear beckoning me forward, encouraging me to keep walking. Only He can restore my soul.