Once I had a surgery date I felt like I could let people outside of my family know and start notifying the people and places who would need to be aware. We also needed to tell the kids.
I also stopped at the Cancer Resource Center at my hospital. The nurse navigator there, "G", was so helpful and patient with me. She listened to my concerns, she loaned me a couple of books from their library about how to tell the kids. She gave me a book called The Silver Lining to read. The book is about one woman's breast cancer story; she is a nurse and shares all the details, encouragement, funny stories. I devoured this book in about 2 days. It was extremely comforting to read her story and hear her experience. It took away a lot of the fears of the unknown.
I also read the books about telling the kids in an age appropriate way. At the time our kids were 5, 7 and 11. The younger two girls fell into the same age category for their ability understand and what their main concerns would be. Our older boy fell into a different category. Remembering that our kids don't have experience with the word "cancer" and that it likely wouldn't trigger strong emotions and worries about death, we sat them down on the couch after dinner one evening and began a discussion with them. We started with the fact that they probably noticed mom going to the doctor a lot lately and that they probably had seen me crying sometimes.
We said that the doctors told me that I have breast cancer; we explained that our body is made up of cells that all do specific jobs - some carry oxygen, some make us strong like our muscle cells, some help us absorb food and convert it to energy, our skin cells protect our body from germs - normal cells are healthy and do their job right to keep a person healthy, they make enough copies of themselves to keep our bodies healthy. Cancer cells are not healthy cells - they do not make a person healthy, they can make a person very sick, plus because they're broken they don't know that they're bad and they make too many copies of themselves and they all group together and make a tumor.
We explained that God gave scientists and doctors so much knowledge and wisdom that they can help people who have these bad cancer cells. They can do surgeries to cut out the bad cancer cells, they can give people medicine to help kill the bad cancer cells, and they can even shoot them with lasers to kill them. I would be having surgery to cut out the cancer cells. My doctor would give me some medicine that would make me sleep and while I'm sleeping, she would cut out those nasty cancer cells. After that they would wake me up and give me medicine so I don't hurt too much while my cuts heal. We assured them that the doctor was very confident that she could help me get all better and that she would do her very best.
I told them that they might see me crying sometimes and it was because I was scared. It's OK to be scared. Some things are big and hard to understand and that can be scary. If they are scared, it's OK. They can cry if they need to do that; they can also ask me any questions and I will do my best to answer them. If I can't answer their question, I can ask someone who can answer it.
We told them that it would be a very difficult year for all of us, but that we would make it through it as a family. After my surgery I would have to rest a lot and I wouldn't be able to drive them to school, soccer, gymnastics, dance or anywhere else for a few weeks. We reassured them that grandma and grandpa would be here a lot to help me and to take them to their activities. They might have to miss something every now and then, but if they had to stay home we could spend time doing something at home together like a game or a puzzle.
The kids cried a bit, mostly because I cried a bit. Our youngest, Miss E, didn't like it when I cried because it made her cry (sweet baby). As anticipated, their concerns and questions followed the age appropriate things we read about. The youngest was concerned about what would happen on her birthday (about 1 week after my surgery). Miss A, our middle child, was concerned about her activities and how it would affect her. Our oldest, Jr., was more worried about what his friends would think and what extra things he might be asked to do around the house. Each kid over the next several days was taken aside and given an opportunity to ask me anything they wanted to ask. The littler two just wanted to make sure I wouldn't feel it when they cut the cancer cells out. The older one had some more specific questions about cancer that we answered honestly and with age appropriate information.
Next up was time to share the news with others outside the family. I had told a couple of girlfriends already; I had actually told them about the call back and that I was a little nervous because of the "spiculated margins" wording and what I had found on Dr. Goo.gle. These particular girlfriends have been my crew for more than 25 years. We have been through so much together and it definitely didn't feel right to keep this from them. I also knew they would pray for me, which is the most important thing!
My mom had been given the go-ahead to tell extended family. So all I needed to do was put together a Facebook post. What a weird thing to say. I keep in touch with most friends on Facebook and there are so many people dear to me, I would run out of time if I had to contact each of them individually and have a separate conversation about this every single time. Of course, after I put it on FB, many friends called and texted, which was wonderful to hear from so many people reaching out in support and faith.
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