Grief Amidst the Joy

The grief of losing some of my children overwhelmed me at the birth of my daughter.

As I sat in the hospital the first morning after Celia was born, I checked the Nat.ional Cath.olic Regi.ster blog round-up and found a review for a book I'd been looking forward to.  It's a book on miscarriage from a Catholic perspective.  It was a very bad idea for me to read that review right after giving birth.  It was still dark out, I had just nursed her (ouch!) and it was raining.

I thought about our children that aren't here so that Celia can be.  I cried and cried.  I said a prayer to each of our little ones asking them to pray for us, thanking them and God for letting me be their momma.  I miss my children every day, I am grateful for the gift of Celia to our family.

It's such a paradox to miss them so much and wish that each and every one of them was here with us, yet knowing that if they were, this sweet child I get to hold in my arms today wouldn't be here at all.

Our son, José, would have been about 13 months old had he lived to be born in this world.  We would probably not have been trying to get pregnant and Celia wouldn't have been born had he stayed here on Earth with us.

Our daughter, María, would have been about 6 months old when Celia was born.  Our other daughter, Sophie would have been about 3 months old when Celia was born.

I don't know why the Lord sent us these children that would not live with us here.  Whatever their purpose in their brief lives, I feel certain that they accomplished what the Lord asked of them before they returned to Him.  Though their lives were short and lived entirely within my womb, they were no less meaningful than any other. 

These children of mine have firmed my resolve to do my best here on Earth, so that I can hear the words, "well done my good and faithful servant" at the end of my life and join them in eternity with Christ.  I will do the best I can to help my husband and my other living children make it to heaven so our family can all be together.